Being a penpal

The relationships at the core of Game Night are trusting friendships that have been built over months and years of committed connection with folks being held in prison. These relationships often start as penpal relationships and grow into long-term friendships.

Why correspond with a penpal?

Becoming a penpal with someone who is incarcerated is a great way to make new friends!

How to become a penpal

Below are a list of incredible penpal and prison letter-writing organizations that match people with incarcerated penpals:

• Abolitionist Mail Project - Massachusetts
• Black and Pink - nationwide

Thinking about becoming a penpal?

General penpal guidelines

The following guidelines are fantastic advice for how to connect as a penpal and come directly from the Abolitionist Mail Project:

Being a pen-pal is committing to creating a consistent friendship across prison walls. Pen-paling can be life changing for both writers!

​If we're going to end incarceration, incarcerated and non-incarcerated people need to be in relationship with one another. For non-incarcerated people who have never been touched by incarceration, becoming friends with someone in a very different situation is illuminating. For people on this side of the wall who have experienced incarceration, the need for communication is clear. And our incarcerated members ask daily for ongoing friendship to help them mentally escape the walls.

Our incarcerated community members are disproportunately queer, trans, elderly, and/or longtimers. They are often very isolated. Many of them do not receive any mail or phone calls at all and haven't for years.

Forming a new friendship requires commitment. Inconsistency and ghosting is very difficult for incarcerated people. Before you send your first letter, check in with yourself:

• Do you have the time and space in your life to welcome a new friend?
• Will you have space for them in the future?
• Can you prioritize your incarcerated friend when your life gets hectic?
• What can you give in a new friendship? What do you need?

Do's and don'ts

Do

• Do make sure you can commit to write consistently. You may need to prioritize your inside friendships when things get chaotic. Getting forgotten by someone on the outside is uniquely painful for incarcerated people
• Do check in with yourself and take stock of your opinions, stereotypes, and fears about incarcerated people, especially if you haven't been directly impacted by incarceration
• Do come out and say “I want to be your pen-pal” in your first communication so your new friend knows what to expect
• Do embrace the opportunity to be intentional in forming a relationship. You can really think about how to build your friendship together when things slow down over the mail
• Do meet your pen-pal where they are at. Speak up if your pen-pal says something dated or problematic, but allow them autonomy to have different opinions​
• Do be honest about why you’re writing, your intentions, and your capacity. Let your pen-pal know how often and how much you will write
• Do be clear and consistent about boundaries.

Don't

• Don't Google your pen-pal. You will hear the worst version of the worst days of their lives. It is not fair, accurate, or helpful
• Don’t ask what your pen-pal is incarcerated for. Let your pen-pal decide if they want to tell you
• Don't get overly political to start. Incarcerated people can face political repression and severe consequences for what people say in letters to them. We don't know the situations people may be facing within their facility that can make receiving political messages a problem.
• Don't send anything other than paper and simple cards. Do not send stamps, books, or money-- the prison won't deliver them. Talk to your penpal about the best way to get them things like this. Check out the mail rules for more
• Don’t think you aren't allowed to disagree, don't pity or infantilize your penpal. Honest relationships can get messy sometimes Don't think you hold all the answers just because you have different information and experiences
• Don't forget to be yourself. You don't have to write down only the best version of yourself. Take the risk of being genuine! Don’t take on more than 2 pen-pals to start. Full connections take time and attention
• Don't disappear. Tell your pen-pal if you are going to stop writing them. Please don't leave your pen-pal hanging if things get busy or you aren't meshing.

Interested in starting your own game night?

Got specific questions? Email us! We would love to share our experiences and learnings.